Well, it’s been too long since I have gotten the chance to sit down and write. Currently, my life is consumed with summer school and interning at the church I work at. Besides that I have been really busy, stretching myself emotionally and physically–between meeting with girls in the youth group to having some late nights of studying, I am more than ready for summer to be over. But I know that when school finally does start, I will wish I got these long days back. Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my job, its the most refreshing part of my week. But when I’m only seeing that 2-3 days a week, I have a tendency to be pretty empty when Wednesdays and Sundays come. Shoot, this summer has been a summer of feeling really empty–all the time. But with emptiness comes a new depth of desperation for Jesus. Boy, has that been a ride.
I have been in this place of really struggling with life in general. There are some days that have happened in the last month that everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. Let me just tell you: these things that went wrong didn’t just go kind of wrong, they would go wrong in the worse possible way. I don’t think I can convey to you how frustrating that has been. With frustration has come confusion: confusion with what happens after I graduate, confusion within friendships, confusion with what God has for me. Its just been a season of my mind and heart being clouded. It’s been really hard for me to discern what the voice of God is and what my flesh is feeding to me. But that is where the grace of my sweet King comes in. I’ve experienced the sweetness of the character of God in this season.
There was a time about a week ago where I was so frustrated because I felt like when I heard God, I heard him wrong. So I just decided I would try to hear what he said, then just kind of ignore it and keep it for later…not actually walk out in it. But God, very kindly, knocked me upside the head and knocked some sense into me. The biggest lesson I have learned in the last month is that God doesn’t reward me based on my ability to hear him perfectly, 100% of the time. He rewards me on my faith to walk out in what I believe He is saying. So that’s exactly what I have been walking out in: faith. I refuse to sit in this place of cloudiness–because God is a God of clarity. I refuse to miss out on the fullness of what God has for me because I believe the lie that I can’t hear him. Finally, I refuse to be frustrated with where I am, simply because my circumstances tell me that’s how I should be. My circumstances don’t change who God is. Praise Him. So for now, in this season, I am walking by faith. I am walking hand in hand with the One who saved me. I will be surprised by the overwhelming goodness of Jesus in this season.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” -Hebrews 11:1
“We walk by faith, not by sight.” -2 Corinthians 5:7