The last few weeks I have been overwhelmed with the sense that I am always bound to second place. The idea of second place doesn’t sit well with me, it never has. Fun fact: I am one of the most competitive people known to man. Second place…almost first place, but not quite. Falling short by a few inches, a few seconds, a few points. Now, I haven’t played any games this week or lost any kind of competitions..but I realized that this sense of second place came from a deep place of desperately desiring the approval and affirmation of my Savior and trying to seek it out in the people around me.
I started feeling bound to second place a few weeks ago when I went to class and realized I did worse than most of the class on a project we all did. I took the prize of 5th place (that’s a guess). “Who cares? My identity is found in Jesus.” <—That was my response. My mind and my mouth said it, but my heart didn’t believe that fully. So starts the downhill spiral..So I go home last weekend, only to be stood up on many different occasions. I had planned on things happening, on spending time with people, on getting encouraged and refreshed: nope–instead, I was only humiliated when I would recieve a text saying they had made other plans or simply weren’t coming; I recieved the second place trophy. It wasn’t until this past weekend that this whole losing thing took me over. I would realize it when I would be talking to someone and after they told me how they were and asked how I was, their eyes would catch another person or object and they would walk away before even listening to “I’m alright.” OR: People I consider close friends would want to spend time with me and talk to me when they saw me one time..but a few days later would treat me completely differently when they saw me simply because the circumstances and people within those circumstances had changed. Second place. As I drove back to school today, the only thing I could do was cry in the arms of my King. How nice.
As I was driving, I got such a sweet response from God. “When I sent Jesus to die on the cross for you I didn’t send him to die for “not good enough” or “missing a few pieces” I sent him to win back my prized possessions. YOU, my dear, are a treasure to me. YOU are first place. YOU are a treasure that nothing on this earth could afford so I had to give up Jesus to win you back! You are won. You don’t win prizes, because you are My prize and I am the only prize you need and there is nothing that you have done to win me. When Jesus defeated death, when My victory was won: I won relationship back with You.” Woah. I would be lying if I told you that I held composure and moved on. In fact, I lost it: I wept. The fact that I am a treasure to Jesus hit a deep place within my soul. A place that has long gone untouched, a place that needed the Living Water. That place was touched today with the truth of God. I’m not saying that I am so free from the idea of being second place. But I am saying that I am no longer recieving the lie that I am bound to second place–I am a prize who was to die for.
“For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.” -Deuteronomy 7:6