Have you ever just felt lost? Not lost as in no sense of direction and no clue as to where you are, but lost as in not seen, not heard, not ideal. Lost. It’s been a word that has come up into my vocabulary a lot in the last week and a half. I’ve been wandering around, feeling like I am back in junior high again–feeling insecure, lonely, and different. I absolutely hate feeling that way. I hate the feeling of believing the lies of the enemy. So I am not going to start now. But to give background, let’s flash back to junior high:
In sixth through eighth grade, I was lost. I had no clue about social norms, fashion sense, makeup, or boys..the “normal” things that junior high girls should know about. I could read books faster than just about anyone and I was pretty athletic, but that’s about it. I was innocent, and didn’t pick up on the hint that everyone was “growing up.” As girls began caking their faces in makeup, having boyfriends, and wearing more form fitting clothes, there I was: basketball shorts, no makeup, a tshirt, and hair slicked back into a ponytail/bun depending on the day. I remember feeling like I never quite fit in: I vividly remember the feeling of “lost.” My self esteem was low and my sweet, young, heart was broken each time I felt the slightest idea that I wasn’t wanted. I trudged through those days and am now here: more redeemed than ever before.
I guess the last week and a half my mind and heart have taken a trip back to junior high. I’ve been walking into social situations with one of two feelings:
1. Feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb.
2. Feeling like I am over-looked and not important.
Of course, now I can decipher that BOTH of those feelings are lies but I can’t help but get frustrated with myself: I should be done with these stupid lies, these stupid feelings of inadequacy…But man oh man has God been so faithful (as He always is) in this whole process. God has shown me that I have so much to learn, that I have so much I have no idea about and He has been so nice at gently guiding and directing me. He has made it clear that I am not lost in the mix..I am not overlooked and not seen..instead I am quite the opposite….
God has been giving me this picture of cookie dough….the baker makes the dough and it’s simple dough at first. But, in order to make the best kind of cookies-CHOCOLATE CHIP- the chocolate chips need to be added to the dough. So the baker dumps in the bag of chips and kneads them into the dough. I keep watching the chocolate chips, in this illustration and they disappear in the dough..but they haven’t disappeared all together. They are still there…some show at some times and others show at other times…but they are all still present, and all still needed to make a whole batch of delicious chocolate chip cookies. God has shown me that I am the chocolate chips. I am vital to the world around me. I have a place, I have a job, and I must be present where He has placed me. You don’t receive the fullness of chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips…although parts of my life feel unseen, they are still there, they are still needed, and still sweeter than ever. The parts of my life where I feel as though need to be tucked away because they don’t fit social norms are simply chocolate chips that are needed to make my life (the cookie dough) sweeter. I am slowly learning that the baker in my life, who is Jesus, knows what He is doing…I am lacking nothing because His recipe is perfect…His recipe was perfected when He died on the cross for me–Therefore, I will press into Jesus when the going gets tough, I will choose Jesus in the joyful dancing, I will follow Jesus in the quiet places-the secret places, I will love Jesus when I feel unseen, and I will praise Jesus for the work He is doing in my life…Because it is BIG, and it is GOOD. Just like God himself.
I am blessed.
I love cookies.
I am growing.