f a l l i n g : a p a r t

H A P P Y : T W E N T Y : F I F T E E N

How sweet the new year is. I always love this time of year because it’s cold and fresh.
Fresh slates.
Fresh vision.
Fresh spirits.
However, this year has started off slightly different than every other year. I think part of the difference is because I’m in a completely different place in life than I have ever been before. I’m a grown up (or so I feel); my life consists of my job, budgeting, being fully invested in church, grocery shopping, sleeping, and repeat. So far 2015 has not been my friend and if you’re reading this, I’m warning you, if you like things to be filtered and sugar coated STOP READING, NOW.

You see, my life has slowly begun crumbling underneath me. God, in two weeks, quickly brought me to the end of myself. If you have never been to the end of yourself, it’s a very hard and humbling place to be. But, it’s also sweet and intimate. I am absolutely incapable of doing anything by myself. I’ve had many prophetic words spoken over me that speak of me “laying on an operation table, helpless, but being changed in deep places” and “being a baby getting my diaper changed, being delighted in by my Father.” It would be a lie if I wrote this long thing of how this hard place in my life is up, because it’s not. I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning and to even make me food to eat. However, I woke up a few days ago with a tiny seed of hope in my heart, that hope sprung from a place of looking back over the last 4 years of my life and being deeply thankful for the altar of remembrance I have built while walking with God. {{in Biblical times, people would build altars of remembrance in places that God did especially powerful things, so when future generations passed by, they would remember what God had done there.}}

Back to my hope seed: it’s still sitting in the dark. Fully covered by soil. No roots even breaking the outer shell. That seed is my life. Dark. Lonely. Messy. But that hope seed is being watered with the Living Water. Oh, the presence of God. Places that I feel like I am utterly drowning, I firmly believe are places that are just being watered in order for a FRESH, NEW hope to abound in my life. Isaiah 43:19 says: “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.”

That verse gives me hope. Hope never equals easy, but it does equal the promise that God will come through for me. Something new is coming for me. Even though I clearly don’t see it now and I actually struggle to even survive a day, I rest in the truth that God has always come through for me in the past and he will clearly come through for me in the present and ten years down the road, HE WILL COME THROUGH FOR ME.

So today I sit. I sit with eyes filled with tears, a heart full of ache, but a spirit with a hope seed–a spirit groaning and longing for a fresh touch from God; and He will come like the rain. In this season, IT WILL RAIN. But until the rain comes, I cling to the hope that never disappoints, and I rest in the arms of my Daddy.

Secure.
Weak.
Broken.
Hopeful.

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One thought on “f a l l i n g : a p a r t

  1. Ah, been there, and still am a little. Never a nice place to be. That seed you have? Let the gardener water it and care for it. He’s a nice guy! Sometimes when everything is crappy, that manure and fertiliser is just the best place for a seed. Keep on keeping on. He will care for you. He knows the plans He has for you.

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