open roads

As an introvert, I don’t like people sometimes. I actually prefer to sit in a room with some candles, a good book, and twinkle lights on. No music. No people. Just me and Jesus.

As an introvert, I get tired going to party after party and big group of people after big group of people. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with being social, I break down in my car driving from one meeting to another.

To be honest, sometimes I hate being an introvert because I shut Jesus out in the process. I throw little temper tantrums and sit in the corner and cry–ranting and raving about how I just want to be alone. But instead, Jesus comes close when all I want him to do is go away.

Flashback to this past Thursday:
**we will call this little patient of mine, Austin, for security purposes**

“NO, THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PLAY CHECKERS. WE’VE NEVER PLAYED THAT WAY,” Austin yelled with tears streaming down his face.
(If you’ve never had a tiny human, or a not so tiny human, yell at you when all you want to do is help explain to them what’s going on..it’s so hard.)

Austin yelled that statement over and over and over and over and over again during his therapy session that day. He was completely closed off and shut down as he pushed me away.

“NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME. I HAVE REALLY GOOD IDEAS AND NO ONE LISTENS TO ME” he finally screamed at me.
Ahh, the root. The root of the issue was not that Austin just didn’t agree with my rules I had put in place. The root was that Austin felt overlooked and ignored. His voice and ideas had been shut down so many times in the past that when someone would listen to him, he felt the need to repeat the same phrase over and over and over again, regardless of if the person he was speaking to had fully heard him.

We ended therapy early that night. I had to take Austin to his mom who semi-calmed him down, apologized to me, and took him home to eat pizza.

I left work kind of discouraged, but also full of thoughts.

How many times do I argue with God, repeat the same things over and over again as I weep in a corner when all God wants to do is explain himself to me. How many times do I stiff arm Holy Spirit from making life easier because I think my way is better?

A lot.

I’m like Austin, frequently, here recently. Temper tantrums, arguments, and me believing the lie that I can present my requests before him and lay my life bare at his feet and he still won’t listen to me. BUT God is the kindest, even when life is hard and the road before me is unclear. He’s patient to let me cry and scream in the corner and then humbly bends down to listen to me and hold me…again and again and again. Even when I don’t ask for it. Even when I want to be alone. Even when I stiff arm him. He picks me up and sometimes he gives me pizza 😉

I’ve been in this place in life where the road before me is so open, but the options are all closed off. I’m sometimes crippled by the lack of direction my life has on certain days. But I also know that open roads lead to beautiful sunset pictures, windows down, music up, and freedom to enjoy the ride. So that’s what I’m doing tonight: enjoying the ride.

As an introvert, I have nights like tonight. Just Jesus and I, talking through life. The depths of my soul are refreshed.

As an introvert, I let my thoughts catch up to me and I get to pray for my kiddos at work.

To be honest, most days I love being an introvert because I can sit in my room, no people, no music, just Jesus and I and I can think, process, and rejoice that:
the best is yet to come
i am heard by the king of the universe
i am full
i am tightly held
the ground underneath my feet is secure
no dream is too big for Jesus

“The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” –Psalm 116:5-7

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