I have become a ‘day-counter.’ One who counts days as if they are steps or seconds or dollar bills. It’s almost as if I do not even need a calendar. I can tell you the number of weeks it has been since I have splurged on something because I honestly don’t give a crap as to how much it costs or how much money is in my bank account (which is very out of character for me), or how many days it has been since I have given God a piece of my mind. I can tell you that today, the day that this blog is posted, it’s been 365 days since a relationship that I thought was destined to be forever ended. Abrupt statement? Maybe? Who really cares. Heartbreak is abrupt. Day counting is abrupt. Nothing shocking or hard ever comes in the sweetest way.
At the beginning of February, God challenged me to start writing this post. I started meditating on Psalm 90:12–
“Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
I have felt every painful moment of every painful day for the last 365 days. That may sound really dramatic and incredibly over the top, but it is the reality of March 1, 2016-March 1,2017. Oh, it has been a painful year. I have asked, begged, pleaded, shouted, cursed, any other conversational word you can use (positive or negative) with Jesus to figure out why this process has to be so painful…because it just freakin’ hurts.
There has been conviction in Psalm 90:12–why do we number our days? To gain a heart of wisdom. Not to count the days until something happens or until Prince Charming comes walking in…or in my case, counting days…waiting for the nightmare to end and a “Just kidding” text to come through on my phone. It’s not a nightmare. It’s a reality I am facing with Jesus, now. A reality that is rooting wisdom and endurance in my heart and life. A reality that says, “No matter how hellish life looks or is, I will throw my hands up in surrender and lay it all down time and time again, because He who promised is faithful and he who promised is good.”
Three hundred and sixty-five days. They hold such weight in my heart. I can reach back in my memory and pull out 20-ish hard conversations that never really resolved anything, a two weeks notice turned in at a job that I actually enjoyed with a boss I loved, friendships that crumbled, sickness that loomed and continues to loom, a trip to Greece where refugees seemingly put broken pieces of my heart back together again, hours spent sitting in a coffee shop called “Fresh” where I learned the name of almost every barista, landing a job coaching volleyball and falling in love with high school girls that have softened me and toughened me all at the same time, hours sitting in a counseling office with a counselor that has become a friend and confidant and someone who has stood in the gap for my life time and time again, and thousands of tears cried and giggles laughed in the presence of Jesus and of friends. Jesus teach me to number my days so that I may gain a heart of wisdom.
And as I sit in the very coffee shop that has become the place where Jesus and I sit and chat the most I dare to stare into every moment of last three hundred and sixty five days and find Jesus in them. Realizing that for every place where I just could not break out of habit, Jesus never got sick of the same coffee order or for every time I chose to sit in traffic because I refused to change my route to certain places Jesus never got frustrated with extra time spent with me; for every humiliating moment of weeping in the car while driving to work or to church or to wherever, Jesus wasn’t embarrassed or shocked by the excess of emotions; and for every conversation that felt as though I had processed certain topics too much, but my heart and mind hadn’t processed them enough, I realized that Jesus never once grew weary in listening to my every word.
I am beginning to realize that sometimes life leaves us feeling raw and broken and all sorts of beat up–left in some sort of nasty back ally and Jesus looks at us, eyes full of love and says, “I’m with you,” and actually means it..and that wisdom is responding by pressing into Jesus with every ounce of strength and weakness that we have in us, not running away. Wisdom is saying, “Okay, here I am at day 38 or day 100 or day 352, and s&%$ has officially hit the fan, and I want to climb into a hole and give up, but I choose you Jesus because you are better.” I am not saying that choosing Jesus is easy or that wisdom always just comes into my mind, but I do know that God is f a i t h f u l: “teach me to number my days, so I may gain a heart of wisdom.”
I am not sure where you are at in life, friend. But I know where I am at. A weird cross road of healing and brokenness. A strange intersection where I can look at where I have been and where I am and see significant transformation (Praise God!)–but I can stand where I am now and know that there is still healing to be done. I know that God’s heart is to heal me and to make me whole. Today, at day three hundred and sixty-five, I say “Happy new year to me.” Why? Because I honestly never thought this day would come. I almost lost my mind this last year. I’ve experienced grace like never before, community like never before, and healing like never before–and to every person who has been like Jesus to me, I honor you and I thank you for stepping into my mess (invited or uninvited) and pulling me along, I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.
I stand, today, able to stare directly into the future–fully uncertain, but positively hopeful and know that God is who he says he is and I can dream the absolute biggest dreams and be the most absurd human alive and know that I am loved fully and known deeply and that nothing and no one can change that.
So to you, dear reader. Whatever day you’re on: you can do it. One step at a time. One day at a time. And be encouraged…tomorrow, I’ll probably still be that lunatic that’s beeping and crying her way through traffic because I am still trying to break out of habit and a tender heart…a new year doesn’t change that. 😉 I’m with you, friend.
Jesus, today, day one, teach me to number my days so that I may gain a heart of wisdom.
Happy new year!•••
Also: the song below has been my anthem the last 365 days… singing it when I felt it, dancing to it when I believed it, and weeping my way/screaming my way through it when there wasn’t an ounce of me that believed it…It’s changed me. It’s changing me. I love this song and it’s one of them most intimate songs I have with Jesus, now. Enjoy!